sheer frustration

alright all you mommies out there..... any of you ever feel like running the car over a cliff would be better than being a mommy anymore? c'mon now, don't lie....
so today marks 2 flippin weeks off of school, and today it has finally taken it's toll!!! my kids are at eachothers throats, and the oldest.... is the worst of em all! i was the oldest growing up, so i know how much it sucks to have to set the example, and how usually you are the first to get into trouble no matter what the situation is... because "you knew better" but damn if im not getting gray hair today! w wont stop hitting, k wont stop whining, and j is just being an asshole. we (j and i) had a very long discussion just yesterday about attitude and such. seems he is pissed off at the world because he now lives with his father and visits us. but his father runs his house completely different than we run ours. in turn j doesnt get half the time spent with him that he would be getting here. he is hurt and angry ALL the time, and who better to take it out on than ??? you guessed it, mom! he claims dad never spends time with him, never plays with him etc. but what am i supposed to do? i told him i cant make your father treat you like we do, its not gonna happen. and that just makes him more angry. as for k and w ..... shit they cant wait for there big brother to leave cuz he is just so damned mean. i think hes mad at them because they get to live with mom. the last time i really had it out with j over his behavior, he drew his fist up at me, and it was all i had not to be my mother and beat the shit out of him, i just walked away. i thought i was doing the right thing sending him to live with his father.... the boy needs his father. all preteen boys do! but now i fear i have made a major mistake..... his behavior is just worse towards us, because he is angry for several reasons, but mostly i think its hurt....not being part of this family full time anymore. it kills me that the little ones dont want him here. when i tell them your brother will be here tomorrow. they are bursting with the "can't wait's" but after about 24 hours it turns into when is he going home mommy, hes mean. it just kills me. his father is under the impression everything is fine, which tells me he doesnt know j very well! i feel like an awful mother . first and foremost i want to give up entirely. does every mommy worth her salt have these days? is it just because i care too much? i feel helpless today! hm well i am going to go do my chores listen to some carpenters and hopefully feel a little better later......................
man to be 16 again!!! have a great day ya'all! i am certainly trying to.