Thursday, March 22, 2007

thought for the day

I have embarked on a new journey, i have begun to blog my most important things at myspace.... i will still come here periodically, but not as much. take care bloggy pals.....

Friday, March 16, 2007

never take your phone to the potty.....

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.
As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping.
I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!"
This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.
I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:1.Occupied.2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.3.Poo on seat.4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone.
As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be.
Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut.
The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened.
The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

Monday, March 12, 2007


i feel like i have to share this with everyone who reads. and if you feel so inclined please copy and send to all parents out there!
this is in regards to YOUR PUBLIC LIBRARY! several months back, i was at the lynnwood public library with all 3 of my children. as everyone well knows the library has computers, several, with internet access!!! most people use this access for schooling, research, playing games, chatting ... daily grind right?? oh and just incase your public library differs from mine, the computers are sunken into a table, and have these so called privacy screens... privacy my ass!!! you can still see what anyone is surfing plain as day! you simply walk behind them, uh, as you have to do anyways ! soooo with that said...
several months back we were all wandering around the library and in search of a certain of my kids was on a computer doing some research, and had printed out a few things. (printers are located at the end of every row of computers) he went to go retrieve these items from the printer and found some pornographic pics printeds and waiting to be picked up! first of all... OMFG! so i went round the tables behind everyone untill i located person surfing porn. i was disgusted. anyone walking by could have seen this ! dude is sitting there with one hand in his crotch ... IN A PUBLIC PLACE..... WHERE CHILDREN ROAM FREELY.... surfing porn. well with me being who i am (you who know me personally can just imagine) i just caused a hell of a scene! i stood my ground where i was and started calling him a petifile etc. there are kids around etc....
i demanded to speak to a librarian in the head dept of the library.... i told her situation, what i was upset about etc. she in turn told me there was nothing SHE could do... so i asked for the person in charge here. the person i spoke with i was very clear about what kind of an issue this was, that indeed this is a place where children roam freely, it is indeed a SAFE zone for families, etc ... and i was horrified and appallled that this sort of surfing and printing could possibly be totally legal. again, i was assured this is totally legal. it has some shit to do with peoples constitutional rights. ok, i get that ....... but what part of PUBLIC PLACE, and CHILDREN PRESENT is nobody concerned with?
with that said........ i was outraged. and promptly left. several times since i have been to the library.....
about a week ago... there was a shocking story on the news about a little girl having been cornered and fondled in a local library........ UGHH! this could have been prevented somehow, i am sure of it. if perverts werent sitting in local libraries staring at porn on computers , maybe they wouldnt be interested in little girls right there under there nose! not to mention, all the nasty offenders out there in our communities ... uhm, evidently the library is the perfect place to go ! children and free porn access!!! bullshit! i was shocked when i heard this news story.... so you can imagine how i felt when my 12 yr old on saturday upon LEAVING the library told me that the man next to him was surfing some pretty nasty porn. ok my kid was on a computer at the library doing research .. again... and could totally see what dude next to him was surfing.... (ya, like i said before privacy screens my ass!!!) so now i feel the need to let the public know just what our local libraries are saying is a persons constitutional right! i will also be calling the local news stations today, maybe sending this via e mail. lets see what the public has to say about this when they all finds out! i think some pretty outraged parents will emerge?! maybe we as a community can stop this sort of thing from being permitted in a place where children frequent!!!
please pass this on!!!
WELL WELL!!!! i am here again, to report that i have just called all the local news stations, and they are not interested in letting the general public know that people are allowed to view and print this crap on computers in local libraries.... and you will also be appalled to find out that there is nothing we as a community can do, other than write our legislators!!! i am outraged!!! I feel i can no longer take my children to the local library without constant supervision! that sux! they should bve able to roam freely in a library!!!
im going to do some major research now, and find a way to make this a widespread knowledge! c'mon people,. fight with me here.... take our public library back for our kids sake, and for their children.. good god .... no wonder other countries want to bomb us!!!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Name that post!!!

you know , over the years i have always named my posts... but it seems so dumb. lol
i have recently been spending more time at myspace than i have been spending here. i know, i know, shame on me.... i have been blogging here for almost 3 years now. but its easier over at myspace.. lol.
and i also keep an eye on my sons account at myspace... so i am here today to apologize to my readers, as i have neglected you of late. so sorry.
i am vowing to make a list of things to blog about tomorrow, i had a small one started, but i cant find it now. lol go figure....
see you tomorrow bloggypals

Thursday, March 01, 2007

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hola peoples :) i know i havent been very good about keeping up on my blog lately. but i have just been so busy. we have about 7 inches of snow on the ground outside ... and are expecting more. whew. so i was just checking in to say hey, whats up? how ya doin? how ya been? lol.... all is good here, just too busy to blog.
be back soon
when things calm down a bit...
toodles bloggypals..........